DC's Relationship Résumés

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, but first dates are like interviews.  Palms are sweaty, you get asked the same questions and are prepared with the same answers, you worry that you have talked on too long, not long enough, said the wrong thing, or your joke wasn't funny and that she faked it (laughing, you sickos).

Of course the only question that would usually be left out of a first date, that is pretty common on interviews, is "What was the person's role before me?  And how do I fit that job description?"  It doesn't have to be asked.  We're already thinking it.

So with that said, one could say that a person's online profile is like their resume.  And they all look the same.  The exact same.  For example, I recently acquired the OK Cupid Droid app and on the home page is shows me the first few lines of each prospect:

"What are you doing with your life?"
This is the part where you sell yourself.  Think of this part as your cover letter.  Online responses are generally:

• After my thesis defense I relocated to Maryland...
• I work at an IP law firm in Virginia....
• I work on the hill.  In fact, I just moved out here...
• I hate these things.  Well, here we go...
• I love my job as an ER PA, it's action packed...
• Like most things made in the 70s, I'm solid...

"What do you like to do?"
This is the part you fill in to make you seem like a great candidate for a relationship.  In my curriculum vitae this would be similar to the bullet list of qualifications I have in the industry I'm applying for.  In personals this is the part that says "I'm really cool, fun, these are my hobbies.  I have more of a life than just work, and I can probably entertain you."  Responses varied, but all said most the same thing.

And frankly, can we get anymore general?  I mean, who doesn't like doing these things?

• I love movies and watch several a week...
• Hang out with friends at a bar, club, barbecue, party....
• I enjoy to cook and hang out with friends...
• I love to travel, and find planning the next...
• I snowboard and like hiking and camping...

"What is it that you're looking for in a woman?"
This is the part of the "job description" of the woman that are looking for. 

• I don't have a type, but definitely attractive...
• I like someone with a good sense of humor...
• Must love dogs.  I have two...
• If she's funny, and sexy, and bright...
• Honest, open-minded and straight forward...
• Someone who likes to travel...

When what they really mean to say, without sounding shallow, is:

Man seeking young, attractive, thin, but busty woman.  You must be able to laugh at all  my jokes, look good in a bikini, and be "petite" enough to never notice my bald spot.  It would be great if you know how to cook, and be able to kiss my mother's ass so that she:

1. teaches you all my favorite recipes, and 
2. provides you guidance on to raise our children, and 
3. trains you on how to wipe my ass when I get old and turn into a vegetable.

I mean, in a nutshell isn't that what most men want?  Just say it.

And get creative with your profiles.  You are all starting to blur together into the same DC guy.