Wednesday, July 18, 2012

50 Shades of Cupid

Considering America’s recent fascination with the “erotica” series titled “50 Shades of Grey,” I’m wondering if some clever men out there are spicing up their otherwise lame profiles with some S&M for shits and giggles, or if they really are looking for - and anticipate finding - their perfect dom-sub relationship online.

Let me begin with saying that I, like the multitude of curious women in the USA, picked up “50 Shades of Grey.” The marketing behind this book was extraordinary. Sex sells.

What was less-than-extraordinary was the writing. Granted, I hadn't anticipated enveloping myself in a great literary masterpiece, but I can honestly say that the “Twilight” series was far more eloquently written than “50 Shades.”

In any case, libidos have been thrown into overdrive due to the popularity of the book, and the dominance-submission (a.k.a dom-sub) theme has taken off. Therefore I would like to dedicate this next post to those men who have the [silver] balls to make this theme the main emphasis of their OK Cupid profile!

Meet “Cdom.”* I’ll be honest. He’s hot. Gorgeous, in fact. So cute that I’m thinking this guy must be using Abercrombie and Fitch photos to get our attention. He gets right to the point:

"I think it is important for the sake of compatibility, so I am leading with this: as it turns out, I prefer to be somewhat Dominant in the bedroom. So yeah. There it is. I just wrote that, just put it right out there lol. :)

But seriously, becoming aware of this fact has been a somewhat recent phenomenon. I will say that after doing a little research into this, I am most definitely on the lighter side of the spectrum--that much is very clear (also clear: NOT to google "Dominance/submission"!) So, I am not interested in anything that causes actual pain--causing someone real pain is not, in any way, cool to me. But I do have a strong interest in dominant scenarios (tied hands can be so very sexy), dominant positions (kneeling can be so very hot), dominant and dirty talk, etc...

Ok, so I'm going to continue to climb out on a limb here (I guess if I can't be up-front here, where can I be?): I am hoping to find one secure, sexy, and intelligent woman who wants to explore her submissive side. So, yeah, I just wrote that too... and I have to admit that this whole thing feels oddly liberating lol. And to be clear: this is NOT something I would want to do every time. But, I am fully aware that my partner will HAVE to be both truly sexually adventurous as well as genuinely intrigued by this type of sexual dynamic in order for our relationship to work.

And you know I am not trying to offend anyone with this. At all. So if I happen to do so, I apologize in advance--I am merely looking for my match, just like everyone else on here!

Anyway, if my profile has caught your attention, I hope to hear from you. We can figure out a day and time to meet for coffee, and see how things are in person; maybe take a day or two to think about it, and go from there. If we then decide we want to hold hands, close our eyes, and jump in--so be it. I am looking for a relationship, NOT a one-time thing; exploring this would take time... :)"

How’s that for honest? Wow, right? I betcha he’s got the contract drafted and everything for that lucky sub.

Next is “rmike”* Another cute guy on OK Cupid. What’s up with all the hotties being sexual deviants?

"In grad school and pretty busy, but always had an interest in bondage so looking for someone to practice tying up. Not looking for sex, as weird as that sounds, just some fun bondage play. If this is potentially interesting to you, let me know! I'd love to chat with ya and we can see if we make things work.

An yes, otherwise I'm a totally normal guy...just happen to have an odd interest. Other interests include trying new restaurants, traveling, sitting on a beach, and watching football. A pretty laid back person in general.

An yes, I realize I have no pics on here.... but talk to me a bit and I will show you what I look like."

My favorite thing about this profile is how he so coolly goes from “I’m in grad school, pretty busy” straight into “always had an interest in bondage” in the same breath. In the first breath, in fact. He mentions at least two more times on his full profile that he’s “pretty normal.”  But then again, who’s to judge what’s “normal” in the online dating world anymore.

So in a nutshell, these are the most good looking, interesting - and at the same time terrifying - suitors I’ve come across this summer. 

I wonder, should I have read the entire "50 Shades of Grey" trilogy to prepare me for might come next...?

*Names are almost the same, but I have left off the numerical value just so as to not blow up these guys’ spots completely. 

Sunday, June 24, 2012

The Theory of Brown Water

I hear so many friends complaining how ugly DC is. And they’re not talking about Adams Morgan at 2am on a weekend. They’re referring to DC’s inhabitants.

Sadly, I have to agree. And this would be the reason that I see so many unattractive couples holding hands, strolling through Eastern Market on Sundays. At first I thought that it proved my theory of Dating Darwinism all wrong (i.e survival of the fittest), but upon closer examination I have come to realize that it may just be the Theory of Brown Water which is percolating through this city.

“What is the Theory of Brown Water?” you ask.

Well, imagine your roaming through the dessert. It’s been hours - no, no days…better yet, weeks - since you’ve had a glass of water. A tall, cool, filtered glass of water. You’re dying of thirst and you come across a murky brown stream. It’s gross, but it’s liquid…and you’re thirsty as hell.

So, you drink it.

Welcome to the dating world of DC.

Since adolescence women find themselves consumed with finding the “perfect man.” We give ourselves these prerequisites: He can’t be shorter than 6’. He should be tall, dark and handsome with a side of charm. He should have a good job. A great job, actually! He must be funny and must smell good.

But as time passes, year after year, many good-looking single girls in DC find themselves still single, with very little eye candy to pass the time away.

So we compromise.

Our 6’ cut off, has now sank to 5’10” – maybe 5’9” if he’s got other redeeming qualities.

“Plus my brother and aunt are over 6 feet tall so maybe the tall genes are on my side of the family,” I consider aloud…just to console myself.

Tall, dark and handsome is replaced with an acceptance for receding hairlines, a slight beer belly, and the hope that he’s brought gum with him.

The job becomes a nonissue – you get berated in this city if you ask someone what they do. God-for-fuckin-bid I would be curious about what you do for 40-50 hours a week – probably more time than you spend sleeping – without the cries of “Oh, there’s the ‘DC Question’!” So you don’t ask and hope that he’s at least got health insurance, because his halitosis isn’t going to cure itself.

As for being funny and smelling good…sorry fellas, but these two remain priorities. Making us laugh at least reminds us that you have a personality that no amount of hair (or lack there of) can take away. And of course, pheromones are scientifically proven. And it’s not just all in the cologne or deodorants you wear, but you’ll know it too if we weren’t a good fit. The nose knows.

So, that’s the Theory of Brown Water in a nutshell. Working with what we've got. I've accepted that I should have moved out west to have found that perfect man, but I didn’t. I stayed in DC because I love this city. And if means having to compromise a little, then by all means I’ll do it to stay here and find happiness.

In addition, this recent epiphany has also taught me two things.

To start, who gives a fuck what your partner looks like as long as you have this amazing emotional and physical connection with some you’re with. When you’re both 80 you’re going be ugly as hell with saggy asses, but at least you’ll be with someone who can help you from your Sleep Number bed over to the toilet when you need it.

And secondly, who are you really dating for? Is it for your girlfriends to approve of your hot new BF, or for your mom to be proud you brought home a good Jewish boy, or because you’ve always wanted to marry a doctor? Get real.

So although I joke about brown water, the truth is you need to just work with what you’ve got. You might just find that diamond in the rough after all. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Constructive Criticism: We Could All Use Some

In the past most, if not all, my blogs were descriptions about idiotic men or diatribes about dates with said idiotic men.

But I really don’t want to start off on that foot – although content for this is plentiful at the moment.

Instead I wanted to focus on some advice. Just some advice on how a man can make his profile, his email, and maybe that first date (!) stand out.

Don’t tell me all the same shit about yourself.

You love to cook?  So do I! You love to travel? Omigosh, so do I! You want to meet that special person to start a life with? Fuck, we must be made for each other!

Or is that how I’m supposed to react when you write me about how much we have in common?

Newsflash. 99.8% of people like to travel. So if you’re telling me that this is a passion of yours, please know that I had the same conversation about how awesome it is to travel with my barista at the Starbucks on R St the other day, too.

Now if you’ve climbed Kilimanjaro - and you happened to have actually read my profile and not just looked at the photos – you could open with something like that. For example, advice on a trip you know I’m planning to take, or experiences in a country/town that we both visited is a fabulous way to start!! If you lived a summer in Costa Rica and experienced the downpours that are the Costa Rican winters, share with me a funny story.

Something unique ensures I’ll read it. If it’s useful I’ll respond with a thanks. If I’m intrigued maybe I’ll respond with more…

Don’t ask what green event planning (or another occupation) is. Google that shit.

Asking what a green event is just busy work for me. It was once I had a boilerplate of my job description in a Word document I copy/pasted into an email response, that it occurred to me just how lame your question is.

Or pretty much any question asking a girl to clarify her job is lame and a waste of our time.

If you don’t know, then Google that shit. 

And then ask something intriguing.  Something that tells us you’re kinda interested in what we do, and you want to know more.  Not something that sounds like a job interview.

If she were a communications/marketing expert you could ask her if she gets to design a lot of her company’s promotional materials and if that creativity ran in her family?  If she were a school teacher, you could ask what she plans to do with her time off this summer, or ask if she has a hysterical story about one of her kids, or share with her a great story about your favorite teacher.  If she’s in development or a government job (hello, DC) you could just stay clear of the career question altogether, but still know what a Foreign Services Officer or a Program Manager is.

Get Creative With That First Date

Let’s say that your introductory email and distinct question have piqued our interest.  We’re now onto the next step of planning out that first date.

We love, love, love it when a guy comes up with something unique and creative. But the sad part is that you fellas rarely do. My mom used to tell me to always let him pick the location of the dates. Even if he asks “What would you like to do?” a woman always has to let a man feel like he’s in control. I get it. The machismo thing. It’s kinda hot sometimes.

But, we’re all growing tired of the “meet for a drink, dinner, movie….” ideas, and the control freak in me needs to jump in sometimes and recommend ideas.

So you guys don’t fall into the lame category, here are a few helpful first, second or third (of you’re that lucky) date recommendations.

Comedy Show! There is no better way to break the ice than a comedy show. DC has a couple of them – the Improv and Riot Act – for super cheap tickets – like $15.

Trivia Night! There are tons of these events all around town. They’re usually free, located at a venue that serves food and drinks, and a great way to show us how smart you are.  Unless you’re not smart. Then just steer clear of this until you've revealed other [equally impressive] talents.

The National Mall! It’s always nice to walk around outdoors, then head over to the Natural History Museum or Air and Space Museum.  Free.

Jazz in the Garden. Again, free. These start back up again at the end of May, are easily accessible by metro, and a creative idea if you both happen to like live music and are smart enough to get there early and grab a spot on the lawn.

ZooLights during the Nov/Jan months. It’s free! The lights are really cool. The animal houses are open at night. And they even serve hot chocolate and gingerbread men.

Jazz show at Bohemian Caverns is always a fun idea if she likes that music genre!

Or just something as fun and simple as picking up some Sweetgreens frozen yogurt, and sitting in Dupont Circle to people watch can be as equally creative, inexpensive and unique.

Also, fellas, kindly note that the above recommendations will probably cost you under $30 each, if not zero dollars.  

Yeah, I get it. Dating is expensive. But we women probably spent more on haircuts, facials, manicures, and toothpaste than you will on the first three dates, so deal with it.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Dating 2012: Dusting Off

So it’s been quite a long time since I’ve been back on the blogging scene, and a sadly longer time since I’ve dated.  But after some consideration I’ve decided to jump back on the dating saddle and give this dating-in-DC thing another try.

For those of you who are just joining me, you can click on the Blog Archive from 2011 for a few good, good laughs.

But if it's the abbreviated version you care for, here it is:

For a short period of time in 2011 I let my girlfriend pick whom I dated. After that failed I continued to date online and therefore accumulated some pretty ridiculous stories that I had to share. Hence was born “The Cupid Experiment.”

Then around this time last year (well, specifically June/July) I had what was one of the worst dates of my life. I just gave up. The penis embargo began. My spirit in men was broken. Specifically, Latin men.

(I’m not hating on you boys. Most of you are like family, but for the most part…still come mierdas.)

After that I threw in the towel.  I just stopped dating altogether. 

Then recently I decided I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to be open to experiences. I required a reprieve from work and career. I needed to meet knew people.

I also came to the realization that it’s not because I want to have a baby one day that I’m looking for Mr. Right.

Fuck. Anyone can have a baby. All you have to do is go out there and make a fucking baby. How hard is that? We’ve been practicing at it for decades.

But what I really wanted was a family, not just a baby.

“What is that?!” my boy-crazy friends ask.

Well, in a nutshell it’s a man worthy of a future with me, and I of him; a man who can be there when I succeed, and pick me up when I fail; a man that needs me when I’m healthy and cares for me when I’m sick as shit (which isn’t often so I can include mood swings and just straight up bitchiness in this category, too); a man who will love and nurture a child alongside me; a man who can give as much as he takes; and a man I can see sharing a walking cane with when we’re both 80-something.

And of course, someone I’m both physically and mentally attracted to. Yes, both are important. I'm only moderately shallow.

So sitting around and bitching about it with my friends isn’t going to make it happen.  

I’m starting over. New profile. New pictures. New stories -2011/2012 have brought lots of those.  And a new outlook.

And if finding Mr. Right doesn’t work out this time around, then hopefully it at least brings around some opportunities to keep practicing towards that other less significant goal.

Stay tuned!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

DC's Relationship Résumés

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, but first dates are like interviews.  Palms are sweaty, you get asked the same questions and are prepared with the same answers, you worry that you have talked on too long, not long enough, said the wrong thing, or your joke wasn't funny and that she faked it (laughing, you sickos).

Of course the only question that would usually be left out of a first date, that is pretty common on interviews, is "What was the person's role before me?  And how do I fit that job description?"  It doesn't have to be asked.  We're already thinking it.

So with that said, one could say that a person's online profile is like their resume.  And they all look the same.  The exact same.  For example, I recently acquired the OK Cupid Droid app and on the home page is shows me the first few lines of each prospect:

"What are you doing with your life?"
This is the part where you sell yourself.  Think of this part as your cover letter.  Online responses are generally:
  • After my thesis defense I relocated to Maryland...
  • I work at an IP law firm in Virginia....
  • I work on the hill.  In fact, I just moved out here...
  • I hate these things.  Well, here we go...
  • I love my job as an ER PA, it's action packed...
  • Like most things made in the 70s, I'm solid...

"What do you like to do?"
This is the part you fill in to make you seem like a great candidate for a relationship.  In my curriculum vitae this would be similar to the bullet list of qualifications I have in the industry I'm applying for.  In personals this is the part that says "I'm really cool, fun, these are my hobbies.  I have more of a life than just work, and I can probably entertain you."  Responses varied, but all said most the same thing.

And frankly, can we get anymore general?  I mean, who doesn't like doing these things?
  • I love movies and watch several a week...
  • Hang out with friends at a bar, club, barbecue, party....
  • I enjoy to cook and hang out with friends...
  • I love to travel, and find planning the next...
  • I snowboard and like hiking and camping...
"What is it that you're looking for in a woman?"
This is the part of the "job description" of the woman that are looking for. 
  • I don't have a type, but definitely attractive...
  • I like someone with a good sense of humor...
  • Must love dogs.  I have two...
  • If she's funny, and sexy, and bright...
  • Honest, open-minded and straight forward...
  • Someone who likes to travel...
When what they really mean to say, without sounding shallow, is:

Man seeking young, attractive, thin, but busty woman.  You must be able to laugh at all  my jokes, look good in a bikini, and be "petite" enough to never notice my bald spot.  It would be great if you know how to cook, and be able to kiss my mother's ass so that she:
  1. teaches you all my favorite recipes, and 
  2. provides you guidance on to raise our children, and 
  3. trains you on how to wipe my ass when I get old and turn into a vegetable.

I mean, in a nutshell isn't that what most men want?  Just say it.

And get creative with your profiles.  You are all starting to blur together into the same DC guy.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

OK Cupid Experiment Conclusion...and continuation

Those of you who follow this useless blog are probably wondering how the actual "experiment" with Jozefina choosing my dates for me for 40 days turned out.  And ultimately where this blog may lead to...

Well, I'm still single but certainly had an entertaining time sampling the selection Jozi chose for me.  Not that her picking out men guaranteed I'd meet "the one," but it did certainly broaden my horizons...for a minute or two.

Now, in retrospect Jozefina's analysis of the guys who a) messaged me, b) were "matched" with me (OK Cupid's matching mechanism is all bullshit, by the way), or c) she deemed worthy of my presence, did at least provided some entertaining enough critiques to dedicate an entire blog to.

So here's to Jozefina and the time and effort she put in helping a friend out with her dating conundrum.  Also, I hope this provides insight and wisdom to any of the fellas reading this blog on what to write in your profile, what note to write, how to message a gal...and ultimately to learn to spell check.

And here we start...

March 23: "So I recommend continuing to chat with the 2 male respondents from the chats we initiated. As for the new men that just contacted you - spartan is a no as he is 23; really2011 has two kids and looks a bit big but may be a nice guy - perhaps a response at least is warranted. I would reply for sure to just_jeffdean. The final man was too short (5'7) so we must eliminate him altogether."

VF Comments: Note how Jozefina does an excellent job keeping the cougar in me at bay. 

March 26: "H hotspur is a yes, please reply to him for now. He does not look bad and seems like a nice person. He shaved his head for his mom who's undergoing chemo! Thermoman is a no. He is only 5 8 and has a 12 year old, plus looks cheesy.  About to send a wink to dcedindc - he recycles and likes twilight"

VF Comments: Notice the first trend developing here.  Single girls are often times turned off by men with kids.  Not every girl is the same, but frankly if there are kids, there is still an ex somewhere in the equation, and this we steer clear of.  Also, girls kinda like guys that are into Twilight and Harry Potter.  It may mean you have a creative mind and are probably good with kids (i.e. nieces and nephews).  Just make sure to restrict your profile should any of your guy friends be looking for reasons to give you hell.

March 28: "Emale2009 seems like a loser and does not have a profile picture - don't respond. Ribbit1015 does not seem like your type at all but he is tall and artistic and also emailed you with a cool question. So if I were you, I'd at least reward a cool question with a response but you don't have to go out with him. So hokies4u would not be an enthusiastic yes. This is because frankly I do not think you would find him attractive. My sister and mom agree."

VF Comments:  At this point we have recruited Jozefina's peeps in my search for love.

April 2: "Ajm218 seems like a nice and down to earth guy. I think he is a bit overweight so physically you may not be into him. I would reply at least for now. Absolut seems okay - not too argumentative but I can see you two getting into fights. I do not like at all that he says guys who genuinely like to dance are gay - how narrow minded."

VF Comments: It's always good to know in advance if you may have a potential conflict with a person.  Friends have a way of knowing their friends' fiery tempers may get them into trouble.  Jozi did an excellent job of pointing out the one guy who I'd fight with.  In hindsight she was right.  I shouldn't have emailed him back.  He did pick a few stupid fights over OK Cupid.  Republican, I think.

April 5: "mattacalous - He completely misspelled several words and is not cute - do not reply"

VF Comments: Boys, spelling is very important.  You're obviously using a computer to type this up.  Open up a second internet window and Google any words you're not sure about.  It pays off.  Stupid is not sexy.

April 7: "Jay is my name - seems like  a cute guy and went through the trouble of writing a nice long email. Please respond to him. konut26 - not hot at all. Ignore." 

VF Comments: ha ha ha! 

April 18: "Specialagentutah - he does not look that hot but he sent you a very nice message and has a dog - all pluses. You should at least respond for now. Msp7920 - a military guy who is slightly overweight and misspells his message - no. Enrapturer - only 26, sends totally weird message that is pretending to be funny, and is unattractive - no."

VF Comments: Sorry, but being unattractive does put guys at an disadvantage.  But frankly, I believe it's all Darwinism.  
So in conclusion, online dating has it's ups and downs, whether you're picking out the guys or someone else is.  But in reality it's not a bad way to meet someone.  To be honest, even the guys we meet at bars we also know very little about except for what they tell us on the onset.  So, I'm continuing the online dating and keeping the blogs coming.
Until next time.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I'm With Stupid

So I don't know if most ladies out there are like this, but personally I do put a lot of value on a man's intelligence.  And I'm not just saying that he happens to have an expertise in something, but I think that a Masters degree, a PhD, or having the title "Dr." before, or "Esq" after, your name is kinda hot.

It's nice to know that the man you're interested in can be both physically and mentally stimulating.  Many times I've even been turned off by men who don't have (or aren't willing to pursue) a Master's degree.  I have always thought that a man should equally as smart, if not smarter, than the girl.  

Ok, ladies relax.  We all know we're smarter, better looking, smell better and have a longer life expectancy than men.  I'm just saying that in the long run I want my children to know that both their mom and dad value education

And I also want my kids to be smart so yes, a smart man is a sexy man.

And for any of you who know my on and off obsession with industry boys, disregard.  We all like cute guys who can buy us drinks and that should never reflect negatively on anyone!

So I recently I went on a first date with what I have to consider one of the dumbest men I have met in DC thus far.  Now let's take a step back.  DC's a smart town.  Frankly a brilliant town, full of brilliant people.  Many pursuing continuing education, working in development fields, entrepreneurs (they are SUPER hot), etc.  Hell, we even got the government (State Dept, World Bank, etc) here.  Those folks have to be smart, right?


Enter...Let's call him Jim.  We meet up for a drink at Dirty Martini one night, and as usual the topic falls to that of work.  He rolls his eyes and use the same bullsh*t line I hear all the time in the dating scene "Jeez," (he says "Jeez") "why is that the first question out of everyone's mouth in DC? 'What do you do for a living?'"

Well, I'll tell you why.  What we do for a living consumes up to 50+ hours of our week.  I don't know about you all, but I don't even sleep that much a week.  Plus it's kinda nice to know that the persons you surround yourself with love what they do, are passionate about their careers, they have a career, or a combination of one or more of these.  Otherwise you're stuck with someone who hates their job, brings their work home, can't stop complaining and ends up bitter. 

And for the record, bitter is not sexy.

So stop complaining, and just tell me what you do for a living when I ask.

Jim proceeds to tell me that he works at this institution called the World Bank.  Have I ever heard of it?  

Have I heard of the World Bank?  Um, yes.

It just so happens that I consult with the World Bank Group myself and I ask what department he works with?  He throws out an acronym I'm not familiar with (but who can keep track right?) So I ask him what building he works in and he tells me he works in the IMF building.  "Oh, so you're in one of those dual-role departments that work for for both the IMF and the Bank?" I ask.

And he tells me that no he works for the IMF, and that is the World Bank.  

Ok, so for some people out there that don't know much about the World Bank Group or the International Monetary Fund, I get where people can get confused between the two.  But for someone who works with one of the two organizations, you should really know that they are not the same entity.  Just to clarify, I asked if he works for the IFC (International Finance Corporation, which is a member of the World Bank Group) and this is where he pisses me off.

He sloooowly, repeats "I....M....F" like I'm the one who having trouble deciphering this ambiguous relationship between the two.


I then gently explain to him "You know that the IMF and the World Bank are not the same organizations, don't you?"  He tries to interrupt me, but at this point I just bulldoze over his stupidity and continue to explain.  "Actually, the two are independent organizations that were founded after World War II by the United Nations.  You could say that they are sister organizations, but both have different roles.  The IMF manages currency exchange of member countries and the World Bank loans out to these.  They are similar in that a country has to be a member of the IMF in order to get financial assistance from the World Bank, but both mostly operate independently of one another."  

And that really is the abbreviate, simplest explanation.  For more information anyone can check out this link

He looks at me dumbfounded and then says "Wow, I wish they would have explained that to me like that when I started."  

I smile, sympathetically, and asked "How long have you worked there?"

"Three years," replies.

Three years?  So for three years, you've been thinking you work at the World Bank?  And you've been telling people that?  Have your colleagues are not corrected you?

Of course I didn't ask these last three questions.  I finished my coca cola, and headed home.

That was one for the books.

Men, know what you do.  And if you don't, Google it.