Thursday, June 30, 2011

DC's Relationship Résumés

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, but first dates are like interviews.  Palms are sweaty, you get asked the same questions and are prepared with the same answers, you worry that you have talked on too long, not long enough, said the wrong thing, or your joke wasn't funny and that she faked it (laughing, you sickos).

Of course the only question that would usually be left out of a first date, that is pretty common on interviews, is "What was the person's role before me?  And how do I fit that job description?"  It doesn't have to be asked.  We're already thinking it.

So with that said, one could say that a person's online profile is like their resume.  And they all look the same.  The exact same.  For example, I recently acquired the OK Cupid Droid app and on the home page is shows me the first few lines of each prospect:

"What are you doing with your life?"
This is the part where you sell yourself.  Think of this part as your cover letter.  Online responses are generally:
  • After my thesis defense I relocated to Maryland...
  • I work at an IP law firm in Virginia....
  • I work on the hill.  In fact, I just moved out here...
  • I hate these things.  Well, here we go...
  • I love my job as an ER PA, it's action packed...
  • Like most things made in the 70s, I'm solid...

"What do you like to do?"
This is the part you fill in to make you seem like a great candidate for a relationship.  In my curriculum vitae this would be similar to the bullet list of qualifications I have in the industry I'm applying for.  In personals this is the part that says "I'm really cool, fun, these are my hobbies.  I have more of a life than just work, and I can probably entertain you."  Responses varied, but all said most the same thing.

And frankly, can we get anymore general?  I mean, who doesn't like doing these things?
  • I love movies and watch several a week...
  • Hang out with friends at a bar, club, barbecue, party....
  • I enjoy to cook and hang out with friends...
  • I love to travel, and find planning the next...
  • I snowboard and like hiking and camping...
"What is it that you're looking for in a woman?"
This is the part of the "job description" of the woman that are looking for. 
  • I don't have a type, but definitely attractive...
  • I like someone with a good sense of humor...
  • Must love dogs.  I have two...
  • If she's funny, and sexy, and bright...
  • Honest, open-minded and straight forward...
  • Someone who likes to travel...
When what they really mean to say, without sounding shallow, is:

Man seeking young, attractive, thin, but busty woman.  You must be able to laugh at all  my jokes, look good in a bikini, and be "petite" enough to never notice my bald spot.  It would be great if you know how to cook, and be able to kiss my mother's ass so that she:
  1. teaches you all my favorite recipes, and 
  2. provides you guidance on to raise our children, and 
  3. trains you on how to wipe my ass when I get old and turn into a vegetable.

I mean, in a nutshell isn't that what most men want?  Just say it.

And get creative with your profiles.  You are all starting to blur together into the same DC guy.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

OK Cupid Experiment Conclusion...and continuation

Those of you who follow this useless blog are probably wondering how the actual "experiment" with Jozefina choosing my dates for me for 40 days turned out.  And ultimately where this blog may lead to...

Well, I'm still single but certainly had an entertaining time sampling the selection Jozi chose for me.  Not that her picking out men guaranteed I'd meet "the one," but it did certainly broaden my horizons...for a minute or two.

Now, in retrospect Jozefina's analysis of the guys who a) messaged me, b) were "matched" with me (OK Cupid's matching mechanism is all bullshit, by the way), or c) she deemed worthy of my presence, did at least provided some entertaining enough critiques to dedicate an entire blog to.

So here's to Jozefina and the time and effort she put in helping a friend out with her dating conundrum.  Also, I hope this provides insight and wisdom to any of the fellas reading this blog on what to write in your profile, what note to write, how to message a gal...and ultimately to learn to spell check.

And here we start...

March 23: "So I recommend continuing to chat with the 2 male respondents from the chats we initiated. As for the new men that just contacted you - spartan is a no as he is 23; really2011 has two kids and looks a bit big but may be a nice guy - perhaps a response at least is warranted. I would reply for sure to just_jeffdean. The final man was too short (5'7) so we must eliminate him altogether."

VF Comments: Note how Jozefina does an excellent job keeping the cougar in me at bay. 

March 26: "H hotspur is a yes, please reply to him for now. He does not look bad and seems like a nice person. He shaved his head for his mom who's undergoing chemo! Thermoman is a no. He is only 5 8 and has a 12 year old, plus looks cheesy.  About to send a wink to dcedindc - he recycles and likes twilight"

VF Comments: Notice the first trend developing here.  Single girls are often times turned off by men with kids.  Not every girl is the same, but frankly if there are kids, there is still an ex somewhere in the equation, and this we steer clear of.  Also, girls kinda like guys that are into Twilight and Harry Potter.  It may mean you have a creative mind and are probably good with kids (i.e. nieces and nephews).  Just make sure to restrict your profile should any of your guy friends be looking for reasons to give you hell.

March 28: "Emale2009 seems like a loser and does not have a profile picture - don't respond. Ribbit1015 does not seem like your type at all but he is tall and artistic and also emailed you with a cool question. So if I were you, I'd at least reward a cool question with a response but you don't have to go out with him. So hokies4u would not be an enthusiastic yes. This is because frankly I do not think you would find him attractive. My sister and mom agree."

VF Comments:  At this point we have recruited Jozefina's peeps in my search for love.

April 2: "Ajm218 seems like a nice and down to earth guy. I think he is a bit overweight so physically you may not be into him. I would reply at least for now. Absolut seems okay - not too argumentative but I can see you two getting into fights. I do not like at all that he says guys who genuinely like to dance are gay - how narrow minded."

VF Comments: It's always good to know in advance if you may have a potential conflict with a person.  Friends have a way of knowing their friends' fiery tempers may get them into trouble.  Jozi did an excellent job of pointing out the one guy who I'd fight with.  In hindsight she was right.  I shouldn't have emailed him back.  He did pick a few stupid fights over OK Cupid.  Republican, I think.

April 5: "mattacalous - He completely misspelled several words and is not cute - do not reply"

VF Comments: Boys, spelling is very important.  You're obviously using a computer to type this up.  Open up a second internet window and Google any words you're not sure about.  It pays off.  Stupid is not sexy.

April 7: "Jay is my name - seems like  a cute guy and went through the trouble of writing a nice long email. Please respond to him. konut26 - not hot at all. Ignore." 

VF Comments: ha ha ha! 

April 18: "Specialagentutah - he does not look that hot but he sent you a very nice message and has a dog - all pluses. You should at least respond for now. Msp7920 - a military guy who is slightly overweight and misspells his message - no. Enrapturer - only 26, sends totally weird message that is pretending to be funny, and is unattractive - no."

VF Comments: Sorry, but being unattractive does put guys at an disadvantage.  But frankly, I believe it's all Darwinism.  
So in conclusion, online dating has it's ups and downs, whether you're picking out the guys or someone else is.  But in reality it's not a bad way to meet someone.  To be honest, even the guys we meet at bars we also know very little about except for what they tell us on the onset.  So, I'm continuing the online dating and keeping the blogs coming.
Until next time.