The Theory of Brown Water

I hear so many friends complaining how ugly DC is. And they’re not talking about Adams Morgan at 2am on a weekend. They’re referring to DC’s inhabitants.

Sadly, I have to agree. And this would be the reason that I see so many unattractive couples holding hands, strolling through Eastern Market on Sundays. At first I thought that it proved my theory of Dating Darwinism all wrong (i.e survival of the fittest), but upon closer examination I have come to realize that it may just be the Theory of Brown Water which is percolating through this city.

“What is the Theory of Brown Water?” you ask.

Well, imagine your roaming through the dessert. It’s been hours - no, no days…better yet, weeks - since you’ve had a glass of water. A tall, cool, filtered glass of water. You’re dying of thirst and you come across a murky brown stream. It’s gross, but it’s liquid…and you’re thirsty as hell.

So, you drink it.

Welcome to the dating world of DC.

Since adolescence women find themselves consumed with finding the “perfect man.” We give ourselves these prerequisites: He can’t be shorter than 6’. He should be tall, dark and handsome with a side of charm. He should have a good job. A great job, actually! He must be funny and must smell good.

But as time passes, year after year, many good-looking single girls in DC find themselves still single, with very little eye candy to pass the time away.

So we compromise.

Our 6’ cut off, has now sank to 5’10” – maybe 5’9” if he’s got other redeeming qualities.

“Plus my brother and aunt are over 6 feet tall so maybe the tall genes are on my side of the family,” I consider aloud…just to console myself.

Tall, dark and handsome is replaced with an acceptance for receding hairlines, a slight beer belly, and the hope that he’s brought gum with him.

The job becomes a nonissue – you get berated in this city if you ask someone what they do. God-for-fuckin-bid I would be curious about what you do for 40-50 hours a week – probably more time than you spend sleeping – without the cries of “Oh, there’s the ‘DC Question’!” So you don’t ask and hope that he’s at least got health insurance, because his halitosis isn’t going to cure itself.

As for being funny and smelling good…sorry fellas, but these two remain priorities. Making us laugh at least reminds us that you have a personality that no amount of hair (or lack there of) can take away. And of course, pheromones are scientifically proven. And it’s not just all in the cologne or deodorants you wear, but you’ll know it too if we weren’t a good fit. The nose knows.

So, that’s the Theory of Brown Water in a nutshell. Working with what we've got. I've accepted that I should have moved out west to have found that perfect man, but I didn’t. I stayed in DC because I love this city. And if means having to compromise a little, then by all means I’ll do it to stay here and find happiness.

In addition, this recent epiphany has also taught me two things.

To start, who gives a fuck what your partner looks like as long as you have this amazing emotional and physical connection with some you’re with. When you’re both 80 you’re going be ugly as hell with saggy asses, but at least you’ll be with someone who can help you from your Sleep Number bed over to the toilet when you need it.

And secondly, who are you really dating for? Is it for your girlfriends to approve of your hot new BF, or for your mom to be proud you brought home a good Jewish boy, or because you’ve always wanted to marry a doctor? Get real.

So although I joke about brown water, the truth is you need to just work with what you’ve got. You might just find that diamond in the rough after all.